PATIENT VOICES

Distinguishing Yourself From Your MS Diagnosis

Last summer, I had a night out. I wanted an ounce of normalcy on the heels of my new diagnosis of multiple sclerosis (MS). I was invited to a group outing with a friend and some of her other friends. The night was going well. Then someone asked, "Are you the one with MS?"

I felt the blood rush to my face; it was the first time I’d been asked this question. I timidly replied, “yes,” and quickly changed the subject. When I got home, I thought about that encounter. Was this my existence now? I was “the one with MS?” Was this a new label to redefine who I am? After thinking about it a lot, I realized that no, my MS doesn’t redefine me. I am so much more than my illness. I did not know how I would separate myself from MS, but I knew I needed to.

It is so easy to lose your identity in your illness. Fortunately, time has provided clarity. The shock of the diagnosis has dissipated. I understand that life is somewhat different now, and that is okay. I’ve slowly realized that undiagnosed Moyna and diagnosed Moyna are the same person. I am only 30 years old. I have many lives left to live, and MS does not get to take that away from me.   

I was struggling with depression after my MS diagnosis. I realized I needed to express all of my feelings. Talking to family and friends was not enough, especially since those close to me struggled with their emotions about my health, too. One day, I sat down and wrote a letter to my MS to air out my grievances. I know this sounds silly. But once I wrote it all down, everything was more transparent.

Here’s a snippet of my letter: “I was working on advancement in my career. Then you arrived and derailed all of my momentum. I was thriving and becoming a strong and confident woman. You have stolen my potential and all that I could become!” 

In writing this letter, I made my MS a separate entity instead of an illness inside of me. This exercise helped me remove MS as a negative tag I applied to myself. I did not realize how much the diagnosis changed my way of thinking, and it felt gratifying to remember I’m more than my MS. Also, expressing myself in this way served as a reminder of everything I still wanted to accomplish. It showed me that, despite my diagnosis, I can still reach my goals and be the woman I want to be.

Over the past year, I have put effort into changing the language I use regarding my illness. I've recognized that I am more than my diagnosis and my current condition. I am making an effort to change the way I speak about my MS. I no longer refer to myself as an "MS patient." I know there is no negative connotation with the phrase. However, I wanted another way to describe myself without using MS as a label. Now, I say I am a "person that has MS." I believe it creates a distinction of my existence outside of illness. Also, I try my best not to say "I'm sick" or "I'm depressed." Using the terms, “I am,'” in a sense, is saying “I am the condition.” Instead, I say, "I feel sick" or "I feel depressed." Words have power, and I am more aware of that now.

Suffering from a chronic illness made me feel broken. I thought that I was permanently shattered and unable to be repaired. Once I separated myself from MS, I was able to heal. It took time, but now I can appreciate all aspects of my existence. My diagnosis is a part of me, but only one part.